When I first created this blog, my intent was for it be a 'blawg.' I only wanted to talk about applying to law school, the application process, acceptances, denials, classes, the bar, and my future (hopefully) law career. I made the decision to not talk about other aspects of my life. I figured that I may occasionally talk about dating, my family and friends, but I didn't want to dig any deeper than that. I only intended to skim that surface. I have other online journals where I discuss my friends and my own issues, I didn't want this blog to be that outlet. I didn't think I needed this blog to be that for me, but then I deleted a blog that I used as that outlet and my friends used to serve as an outlet for me to voice some of my frustrations and problems, well, that has kind of gone sour in some ways. Which is what I want to discuss now.
I still intend for this blog to only discuss law school and the other areas connected to that realm. But this post will be a detour.
Tonight I have been working on some worksheets for my psychologist appointment in the morning. I go to a psychologist because I have some depression, sexual abuse, self-esteem, and body image problems. The body image problems could be considered, severe, I suppose. So, most of the time, that is what my psychologist and I discuss. That is what my worksheets tonight are on. One of the worksheets has me imagining a day where I am totally at peace with my body and appearance. One of the questions on this worksheet is: How would the people in your life be different? I wasn't sure how to answer this question. For the most part I figured my friendships would be the same. I didn't think my friends would be any different, I didn't think I would have any more or any less friends, I figured that I would still be single as well. I asked my friend Amelia for more input though.
Amelia and I hit a particularly rough patch a few months ago. Basically, I was having a very rough time and I felt like she wasn't there for me. She has a boyfriend and this fact is important because she is one of those people who automatically puts her significant other first, even if she has only been with them for a week, they come before everyone else. Since I was feeling particularly bad, I thought she might make an exception for me. After all, I'm usually always there for her when she's feeling depressed or having boyfriend problems. I didn't feel like I was asking that much, but she basically told me that she didn't want to deal with me and my issues. I got angry. I told her I couldn't talk to her for a week because she was making me feel worse about myself. Needless to say, she didn't take that very well. She got angry at me. My roommate felt I was in the right. Amelia hadn't been there for me when I was needing her the most and my roommate saw how I would drop anything I was doing to be there for Amelia. For a while I didn't want to be friends with Amelia any longer. However, Amelia still wanted to be friends, so I didn't put up a fight. Besides, I felt like I had to take what I could get.
Fast forward to tonight, things between me and Amelia have been okay. We're not as close as we used to be at all, but we are okay. I asked her what she thought I should put for the answer. She said something along the lines of what I thought - that things would be the same. I made the mistake of replying that I thought friendships wouldn't be improved either. That opened a can of worms that I had been carefully monitoring myself to be sure to not open it again. Her reply was that "Ugh when you say it like that I don't like it. Weight and body image almost made us not be friends. It is influential. You've just stopped letting it control our friendship because you knew I didn't like it." I just conceded that she was right. How I feel about my body is significant. She replied something like, don't worry, be happy and that settled the issue.
But, I'm still a bit irritated. Should I be? I don't know, but I am. I want to say that we never would have had problems if she could have just been there for me at the beginning. My problems with my body and my appearance were only a distraction, the real problem was her treatment of her friends. How I felt like she was treating. And now, or still, I feel like she thinks all of our problems were my fault, in some way. The whole tensions and problems from month ago settled nothing. I know that. I have known that. It just still...bothers me at times. I don't like having to monitor myself so carefully around someone that I once used to be completely open with. Someone I used to consider my best friend, the person I thought would always be there for me. Friends have always been such a top priority to me, I have trouble understanding sometimes that it isn't the same for other people.
Maybe I've been in the wrong the whole time. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore, anyways. Nothing changed. I just wanted to voice my frustration. So, thanks for that.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...